[He thought he would be fine, but how Dodger sounds and the fact he reached out to him really hit. He didn't know what to say to that, or really what to think of it.]
I understand... Sorry for what happened and shit...
[He hesitates, his voice wavering just a bit, he's holding back rising emotion and chest crushing anxiety. He knows Dodger was happy now, who was he to get in the way of that?]
I um... well...
[He's silent again for a moment.]
Can... I see you again?
[His voice was unconfident, it was a shot in the dark and he was ready for rejection.]
[Dodger has gotten to know himself pretty well, in the last few months. If nothing else, Hell has given him a chance for introspection. And he knows that if he goes to see Jason, he'll end up sleeping with him, and he might forget to figure out where they stand along the way.
But he also knows he can't resist a bad decision, and Jason's always been one.
He sighs and nods, before confirming verbally:] Meet me at the bar in half an hour. We can find a quiet spot, get some drinks, and talk... properly.
[And he'll try to control the part of him that wants to run very, very far away from his problems. There's no airports in Hell.]
[Jason had no intentions on going to fool around, he doesn't even care if it's for Dodger to tell him off. He just... really missed him as much as he didn't want to.]
Okay... See you soon.
[He felt selfish, he knows Dodger moved on and that he's made something new here. But he wasn't the one to reach out, so maybe it will be a pleasant surprise.]
[Dodger doesn't reply, just teleports down to the bar. When Jason shows up, he's found a corner booth away from the main crowd and he's gone through a bottle and a half of Fireball. He waves Jason down with a lazy, practiced motion; his body language is cool and casual, but there's a spark of anxiety in his eyes.]
Hey.
[At least he's managing to keep his voice level.]
How's it been for you, settling in? You make any new friends?
[He feels like he's speaking to an ex-wife. It's so fucking awkward.]
[Jason show's up and he's pretty sober. He see's him and he does flicker a bit but takes a deep breath and goes over taking a seat across from him. He's never been good at hiding his emotions so he's flickering a bit, trying hard to crust over but he just nods.]
Hey...
Um well... I'm trying I guess.
[It was really awkward but he was bad at socializing in most cases, and it's harder not knowing where he stands.]
[That sounds like a no. He sets his jaw a bit; he can't help worrying about Jason, knowing full well that what Dodger's seen of this place isn't his scene. Knowing he's going to get hurt. Knowing he'll struggle to make any connections.
He taps his fingers anxiously on the table.]
Things are weird after the whole... suburb thing. [His gaze drops for a moment, but he pushes the thought away.] I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter.
[Another awkward pause, and he chews his cheek a bit.]
[He was bouncing his leg. He’s met with a few people but he was still kinda just floating, to nervous to interact. He’s left to his own devices without anyone telling him what to do, or just be there for him.
He watches dodger speak and he nods. ]
Yeah... it was kinda crazy huh?
[He was tearing at his fingers a bit under the table.]
[It's times like these that he hates how well-attuned he is to Jason's moods. He knows Jason is anxious, and he doesn't want to focus on that. But his mind keeps bring drawn to it.
He pushes a glass forward and pours out some whiskey for him.]
[He furrows his brow a bit. He knows he's talked about the ocean before - crazed, manic rants where he'd talk about a glowing light under the ocean, a city full of music, a giant metal bird drowning in the water. All of that was months before The Sphere. So he doubts Jason is surprised he's talking about the ocean again, but he also figures this means that Jason does not, in fact, remember.]
Nevermind. It's not important. I... yeah.
[He pours another drink for himself, and gulps down the whole glass.]
I guess I should just ask... if you're alright. Y'know, here.
[It almost sounds like he's cutting to the chase, but he's not. He's still dancing around the topic, too nervous to engage.]
[Really, it makes it so much worse that he's being calm about this. He likes it when Jason breaks first, when he comes crawling and Dodger can act all aloof and take him back like it's an inconvenience. Sitting down and talking about it feels too... real. Like they're adults.]
I did miss you. Little things... the way Fran tries to pass off drinking coffee as a meal. The way his fingers dig into the bruises I give him. He reminds me of you. Just.. softer. He's not as bitchy as you are.
[None of that helps. None of that is Jason's business, really, or his problem. He hesitates, trying to decide what his point is, and fills Jason's glass again.]
I shouldn't have lost my temper. I just... didn't know what to do. I didn't want you finding out about him, I didn't want him finding out about you. And I never... got a choice, with that.
[He wanted to many times. But what Dodger said really hit hard and he ignored the over whelming feelings. This was weird, it was awkward but not hostile.
Dodger started comparing them and he deflates just a touch. He missed him, but he seemed to favor Fran.
His drink is filled and he takes it down quickly. ]
I yelled to... and well... you didn’t anticipate me showing up again.
[He fidgets.]
Sorry you didn’t get a choice... I um... didn’t mean to make a scene and stress you out. You seem happy with Fran.
[He looks like he could cry but he won’t let himself.]
[There he goes, asking the hard questions. Dodger bounces his leg, and shrugs awkwardly.]
One of my friends here, he said I don't like anyone. 'Cause I don't treat people the way you're supposed to if you like them. And they don't... see the person I'm trying to be.
[He isn't sure how Jason sees him. He's never figured out what Jason sees in him, because he was always happy assuming that Jason was just convenient, another person to keep him company that he could kill off if that's what Augustine needed.
And it's more complicated than that. Because Augustine isn't here, but he still cares.]
What about you? You just... crumbled, back in the suite. You ran out like a rat. [Not that he expected Jason to fight him, but...] What do you want?
[He bristles a bit, just because he hates the tone in Jason's voice. Back home, Jason was temporary, he was fun, he didn't mean anything. And now... he means something but Dodger isn't sure what and he isn't sure that he likes it.
He glances at the bottles at the table.. between the two of them, they're already empty. He sets his jaw, not meeting Jason's eyes.]
And what, just sit around pining for me until I feel like using you again? That's pathetic, Jason.
[He's being a hypocrit, and he knows it. This is exactly what he's been begging to have with Hector, to just be a toy on the shelf to be brought down when he needs company.]
[Jason looks at him but he looks away quickly as Dodger speaks. He really was pathetic, he didn’t know What to say but he didn’t wanna just sit around waiting for him. Despite already doing that. ]
I-I well....
[he shrinks just a bit.]
No. I don’t wanna just sit and wait, I wanna try a real relationship or something.
[He feels sick to his stomach, there’s a few tears for sure but he just wipes them away.]
I doesn’t matter, whatever I say is wrong. I don’t know what I want, or why you make me feel this way.
[He felt trapped and defeated right now. He’s not sure what Dodger wants form him. ]
[His fingers twitch, and he feels like punching something or just leaving or getting swallowed up into the ground. But he has to say it, doesn't he? This is such a fucking mess.]
Because- I'm cheating on someone else with Francis. I'm not supposed to be with him, I've got a boyfriend and it's- there's just a lot of shit going on right now, alright? I don't need another thing I have to figure out how to explain to him when he's already gonna kill me the second this all falls apart.
[He buries his face in his hands, tightening his fingers on the strands of hair that fall down into them. God, where's Hector when you need him.]
[Why is this so difficult? He bristles more, and shakes his head pointedly when he finally looks up.]
I'm trying to make you understand, it's- I can't do this with you right now, and I-
[Jason is going to start crying, he can see it in his eyes and he just can't take that. Dodger stands up suddenly, knocking his chair over and fumbling as if he almost reached to grab it before catching himself.]
Look, can you stop having a pity party for a fucking second? It's not all about you, I've got shit to deal with and you're just not a priority right now! I... I need to go.
[He's finally giving in to the urge to flee, but he's walking away. Not teleporting. Because he wants Jason to stop him, he hates leaving things broken like this.]
I know it’s not about me. I’m not trying to have a pity party! You know I just cry a lot I can’t help it.
[he was indeed crying as much as he tried not to, he does understand, he can’t help the tears flow, he was an emotional guy.]
I know you made a life here and you have other people, I just.... I want you to be happy! I understand that you didn’t expect me here, and that you probably don’t want me here, and I’m making things harder for you. I’m being selfish and I know... I just.
[Dodge gets up and leaves and Jason panics. He gets up to looking at him as he figures out what to do. he goes over and grabs his arm. This was the same thing as last time, nothing got resolved or anything. ]
I well... don’t go...yet.
[He wanted to run away, but he knows that won’t get them anywhere, they do it every time. ]
Maybe we could be friends, If you don’t wanna be with me like that anymore?
[The idea of it hurt, but he wanted to make it work.]
[He shivers a bit when Jason grabs him, but he stops and he turns back. They're a dramatic pair, but... well, that's what he likes about them.]
You don't want to be friends, Jason. [He huffs.] We weren't friends before, we aren't going to be friends now.
[He pauses and glances back at him.]
Spend some time on your own, it'll be good for you. You can be whoever you want here, you've got no past except whatever you share. Come back to me when you've figured out who you wanna be, yeah?
[It's a cop out. He's just trying to run away, like he always does. But maybe this is better than clinging to something that keeps cracking under the pressure.]
[Dodger speaks, and his heart drops, but it was true. He lets go and stand back.]
Okay.
[Dodger was right, Jason was lost, and he almost depended on Dodger to dictate what he does. He stands there, he's crying, but he's trying so hard to make it stop. He can't keep Dodger down, he needed to find his own voice and person. It's just hard when the last thing that made him feel safe was gone, but still in sight.]
Any advice on how this place works? Am I gonna get eaten by some weird monsters?
[He tries to crack a smile, he really was trying to make it less sad and pathetic. He understands why and he'll just have to accept and work on it.]
And ya think I can visit Crusher now and again?
[He's grown close with Crusher, and he didn't get to say hi the last time he saw him, that time was a bit.... rough.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I understand... Sorry for what happened and shit...
[He hesitates, his voice wavering just a bit, he's holding back rising emotion and chest crushing anxiety. He knows Dodger was happy now, who was he to get in the way of that?]
I um... well...
[He's silent again for a moment.]
Can... I see you again?
[His voice was unconfident, it was a shot in the dark and he was ready for rejection.]
Make up for how badly last time went... haha.
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But he also knows he can't resist a bad decision, and Jason's always been one.
He sighs and nods, before confirming verbally:] Meet me at the bar in half an hour. We can find a quiet spot, get some drinks, and talk... properly.
[And he'll try to control the part of him that wants to run very, very far away from his problems. There's no airports in Hell.]
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Okay... See you soon.
[He felt selfish, he knows Dodger moved on and that he's made something new here. But he wasn't the one to reach out, so maybe it will be a pleasant surprise.]
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Hey.
[At least he's managing to keep his voice level.]
How's it been for you, settling in? You make any new friends?
[He feels like he's speaking to an ex-wife. It's so fucking awkward.]
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Hey...
Um well... I'm trying I guess.
[It was really awkward but he was bad at socializing in most cases, and it's harder not knowing where he stands.]
How have you been doing?
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He taps his fingers anxiously on the table.]
Things are weird after the whole... suburb thing. [His gaze drops for a moment, but he pushes the thought away.] I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter.
[Another awkward pause, and he chews his cheek a bit.]
Hey... can I ask you something weird?
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He watches dodger speak and he nods. ]
Yeah... it was kinda crazy huh?
[He was tearing at his fingers a bit under the table.]
Sure... course you can.
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He pushes a glass forward and pours out some whiskey for him.]
Do you remember the ocean?
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He takes the glass with small nod of thanks.]
The ocean? Like the beach?
[He sips his drink, he doesn’t seem to recall.]
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[He furrows his brow a bit. He knows he's talked about the ocean before - crazed, manic rants where he'd talk about a glowing light under the ocean, a city full of music, a giant metal bird drowning in the water. All of that was months before The Sphere. So he doubts Jason is surprised he's talking about the ocean again, but he also figures this means that Jason does not, in fact, remember.]
Nevermind. It's not important. I... yeah.
[He pours another drink for himself, and gulps down the whole glass.]
I guess I should just ask... if you're alright. Y'know, here.
[It almost sounds like he's cutting to the chase, but he's not. He's still dancing around the topic, too nervous to engage.]
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Oh... alright.
[Dodger asks him that and he stares at his cup before giving a small shrug. ]
I could be doin worse... there’s a lot weird things I don’t get yet.?? I’m kinda surprised you wanted to talk to me again.
[It kinda stressed him out, he can’t bring himself to make eye contact with Dodger right now. ]
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[Really, it makes it so much worse that he's being calm about this. He likes it when Jason breaks first, when he comes crawling and Dodger can act all aloof and take him back like it's an inconvenience. Sitting down and talking about it feels too... real. Like they're adults.]
I did miss you. Little things... the way Fran tries to pass off drinking coffee as a meal. The way his fingers dig into the bruises I give him. He reminds me of you. Just.. softer. He's not as bitchy as you are.
[None of that helps. None of that is Jason's business, really, or his problem. He hesitates, trying to decide what his point is, and fills Jason's glass again.]
I shouldn't have lost my temper. I just... didn't know what to do. I didn't want you finding out about him, I didn't want him finding out about you. And I never... got a choice, with that.
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Dodger started comparing them and he deflates just a touch. He missed him, but he seemed to favor Fran.
His drink is filled and he takes it down quickly. ]
I yelled to... and well... you didn’t anticipate me showing up again.
[He fidgets.]
Sorry you didn’t get a choice... I um... didn’t mean to make a scene and stress you out. You seem happy with Fran.
[He looks like he could cry but he won’t let himself.]
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[He bites his lip for a second, but he's just.. frustrated, lost. None of this feels right.]
...Have another drink.
[He fills each of their cups again, swallowing his in one gulp again.]
You know what I'm like, Jay. I get pissed off and... logic hits the wall. I wasn't thinking, I just needed to..
[Fix the problem. Get him out. Make sure Fran didn't realize what sort of person he was, that whatever they have isn't special.
He lets out another sigh.]
This is a mess, huh? I just... y'know. If it was Johnny I'd just tell him to fuck off and handle himself. And you're different. I worry about you.
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Good idea...
[he takes this drink down quickly, maybe being drunk will help figure out what to do.
He knows he’s an old fling, he messes with his empty cup. He doesn’t know what to say, he just lets the words sink in. ]
You worry about me... but I can’t tell if you like me, or is it just pity?
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One of my friends here, he said I don't like anyone. 'Cause I don't treat people the way you're supposed to if you like them. And they don't... see the person I'm trying to be.
[He isn't sure how Jason sees him. He's never figured out what Jason sees in him, because he was always happy assuming that Jason was just convenient, another person to keep him company that he could kill off if that's what Augustine needed.
And it's more complicated than that. Because Augustine isn't here, but he still cares.]
What about you? You just... crumbled, back in the suite. You ran out like a rat. [Not that he expected Jason to fight him, but...] What do you want?
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[Jason holds Dodger in high regards. He respected and honestly, probably loves him. He knew he was temporary but it still really hurts.]
Back at the suite... you made it clear I was nothing to you. I knew I wasn’t wanted there by either of you.
[His lip trembled and he bites it looking down. He didn’t know what is a good thing to say. He did have some attachment issues he wouldn’t deny it.]
I dunno what I want... I wanna be with you. Or even just to see you again... as much as I try and ignore it.
[He flinched at his own voice, it was pathetic, he felt pathetic. Dodger makes him feel safe, but he knows he doesn’t ant him around. ]
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He glances at the bottles at the table.. between the two of them, they're already empty. He sets his jaw, not meeting Jason's eyes.]
And what, just sit around pining for me until I feel like using you again? That's pathetic, Jason.
[He's being a hypocrit, and he knows it. This is exactly what he's been begging to have with Hector, to just be a toy on the shelf to be brought down when he needs company.]
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I-I well....
[he shrinks just a bit.]
No. I don’t wanna just sit and wait, I wanna try a real relationship or something.
[He feels sick to his stomach, there’s a few tears for sure but he just wipes them away.]
I doesn’t matter, whatever I say is wrong. I don’t know what I want, or why you make me feel this way.
[He felt trapped and defeated right now. He’s not sure what Dodger wants form him. ]
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[His fingers twitch, and he feels like punching something or just leaving or getting swallowed up into the ground. But he has to say it, doesn't he? This is such a fucking mess.]
Because- I'm cheating on someone else with Francis. I'm not supposed to be with him, I've got a boyfriend and it's- there's just a lot of shit going on right now, alright? I don't need another thing I have to figure out how to explain to him when he's already gonna kill me the second this all falls apart.
[He buries his face in his hands, tightening his fingers on the strands of hair that fall down into them. God, where's Hector when you need him.]
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[he looks down and he can’t help but sniffle just a bit.]
I Thought well... we were dating before you got here.
[His heart hurts but he figures it’s useless at this point.]
I know I’m just a fling, but I love you and you... said you wanted me to stick around for along time.
[This wasn’t going well, he almost feels like Dodger just wanted to throw it all in his face. He was doing okay without him but he wasn’t.]
Did you wanna talk to me just to tell me you that I’m just in the way?
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[Why is this so difficult? He bristles more, and shakes his head pointedly when he finally looks up.]
I'm trying to make you understand, it's- I can't do this with you right now, and I-
[Jason is going to start crying, he can see it in his eyes and he just can't take that. Dodger stands up suddenly, knocking his chair over and fumbling as if he almost reached to grab it before catching himself.]
Look, can you stop having a pity party for a fucking second? It's not all about you, I've got shit to deal with and you're just not a priority right now! I... I need to go.
[He's finally giving in to the urge to flee, but he's walking away. Not teleporting. Because he wants Jason to stop him, he hates leaving things broken like this.]
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[he was indeed crying as much as he tried not to, he does understand, he can’t help the tears flow, he was an emotional guy.]
I know you made a life here and you have other people, I just.... I want you to be happy! I understand that you didn’t expect me here, and that you probably don’t want me here, and I’m making things harder for you. I’m being selfish and I know... I just.
[Dodge gets up and leaves and Jason panics. He gets up to looking at him as he figures out what to do. he goes over and grabs his arm. This was the same thing as last time, nothing got resolved or anything. ]
I well... don’t go...yet.
[He wanted to run away, but he knows that won’t get them anywhere, they do it every time. ]
Maybe we could be friends, If you don’t wanna be with me like that anymore?
[The idea of it hurt, but he wanted to make it work.]
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You don't want to be friends, Jason. [He huffs.] We weren't friends before, we aren't going to be friends now.
[He pauses and glances back at him.]
Spend some time on your own, it'll be good for you. You can be whoever you want here, you've got no past except whatever you share. Come back to me when you've figured out who you wanna be, yeah?
[It's a cop out. He's just trying to run away, like he always does. But maybe this is better than clinging to something that keeps cracking under the pressure.]
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Okay.
[Dodger was right, Jason was lost, and he almost depended on Dodger to dictate what he does. He stands there, he's crying, but he's trying so hard to make it stop. He can't keep Dodger down, he needed to find his own voice and person. It's just hard when the last thing that made him feel safe was gone, but still in sight.]
Any advice on how this place works? Am I gonna get eaten by some weird monsters?
[He tries to crack a smile, he really was trying to make it less sad and pathetic. He understands why and he'll just have to accept and work on it.]
And ya think I can visit Crusher now and again?
[He's grown close with Crusher, and he didn't get to say hi the last time he saw him, that time was a bit.... rough.]
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